BRITNEY
SPEARS UPGRADES --
NOW SINGS
INTO AN FM MIKE!
by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer
[December 14, 2001]
 [HollywoodInvestigator.com] Britney Spears fans are
gushing adulation after their fav songbird upgraded her artistic delivery
-- by amplifying her vocals with an FM radio microphone!
That's the shocking revelation
revealed by the photos (see right) from Funny
Free Pics, a leading international investigative photojournalist research
center.
On left: Britney sings unplugged.
On right: Britney wears a mike!
Britney's technical overhaul
has not gone unnoticed by discerning music fans and audiophiles -- whose
gushing heartfelt applause has intensified with Britney's post-upgrade
public appearances.
Britney's skyrocketing post-upgrade
success is no surprise to university musicology departments -- where Britney
has been long renowned for her subtly multi-textured vocal deliveries and
carefully nuanced physical performances, conveying a thousand interdependent
meanings in each note.
Throughout Britney's unplugged
phase -- aka her "Early Acoustic Era" in university departments -- musicologists
have been overwhelmed when trying to study the full range of Britney's
staggering talent -- a task that has led to much controversy -- and even
occasional violence.
"It is now generally conceded
that during the MTV Salutes Evian Awards, Spears glanced 17 degrees south-southwest,
for 0.7 of a second," stated Professor Uri Glazov, dean of musicology at
Hollywood Community College, in Hollywood, Florida. "But the controversy
persists: did Spears huskify her voice for an 8th of an octave, or 3/16th?"
Professor Glazov hopes that
Britney's new FM mike will lay to rest such controversies, which have polarized
university
musicology departments worldwide.
"Friendships have ended.
Careers destroyed. I know of at least three divorces. One husband,
a London Philharmonic cellist, defended the Swiss School on a university
listserv."
The Swiss School holds that
Britney huskified her voice for 1/8th octave, then carried a deepened --
rather than huskified -- tonal vocality for the next 16th octave.
"But the wife of a violin
fellow at Julliard, advocated the Bavarian-Istanbul Doctrine," continues
Professor Glazov. "When she saw her husband's internet posting, she
flew into a violent rage, attacked a student, and needed to be sedated."
The Bavarian-Istanbul Doctrine
is only one of thousands of controversial Britney schools of thought that
have polarized musicology departments in recent years.
While embracing the notational
interpretations of the Swiss School -- in opposition to the "Statement
of Principles on Britney Spears's Vocalisms" issued by the Anglo-American
Group
-- the Bavarian-Istanbul Doctrine holds Britney's subtle octaval segue
from huskiness to deepness can only be understood as her intent to convey
a post-structuralist melancholy.
Glazov adds, "We hope that
Spears's new FM mike will enable university departments to lay to rest some
of these controversies."
Thirsting for answers, discerning
audiophiles and university musicologists -- who have long been Britney's
core fanbase -- reacted enthusiastically to the FM mike upgrade.
Britney's most recent concert was packed with screaming PhDs. from across
the globe.
Enthused one Tokyo professor:
"The third millennium has presented its Mozart -- and her name is Britney
Spears!"
Professor Glazov is completing
a three volume study of Britney's radical post-conceptualist experimentation
in chord structure. Glazov's papers have been published in The
Oxford Journal of Britney Spears Studies, the Harvard Spears Musicological
Review, and the Britney Spears Review of the University of Nairobi.
In addition to her musical
achievements, Britney Spears is internationally renowned for her advanced
research in semiconductor
physics. Also see this photographic history of Britney's ever-changing
breasts.
Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more about her journalism in Hollywood Witches. |
 |
Investigator
Fun Fact:
Funny
Free Pics also provides this miraculous example of modern makeup!
At
left: Oprah as she is.
At
right: Oprah in makeup, miraculously aged for the role of an elderly bag
lady in an upcoming movie. |
Copyright 2001 by HollywoodInvestigator.com
|
